


Many Names, None of Them Mine

by OhNoMyBreadsticks



Series: Of Gods and their Humans [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Barebacking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentioned Connor (Detroit: Become Human), References to Depression, because I'm weak for soft endings, brief mention of blood and violence, but actually not that much smut, but with magic, look they live in a cave and Niles is an elder god there was no way to add condoms to this situation, modern day AU, using Niles as RK900's name in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 11:11:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17042633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNoMyBreadsticks/pseuds/OhNoMyBreadsticks
Summary: Gavin asks Niles to tell him a story, so he obliges. But what can be learned from the history of a god, except the truly fleeting nature of human lives?





	Many Names, None of Them Mine

**Author's Note:**

> So the whole "Black Elk Nines" thing really wasn't supposed to be a series. But thanks to some really lovely comments on the first part and encouragement as always from my beta, HERE WE ARE. So a big thank you to all of those people <3 
> 
> This time around we get to take a look at Niles' backstory, and really think about the ramifications of dating an immortal elder god. So, you know, my usual sad fluff. Please enjoy!
> 
> As always, my amazing beta who does so much more than just beta is [thislittlekumquat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thislittlekumquat/pseuds/thislittlekumquat) <3
> 
> Edit: For mood music: [This (turn on CC for English lyrics)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mSem1Evp_0&list=PL_kAwGx7A6DMgj2qSORr-APDcew_mgqdp&index=11) is the song I listened to on loop as I wrote the final scene, and it's a very 'Niles' sort of song lol. [Here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX9OjGw8pOg) a very Gavin song for this AU as well.

The story begins on a day when it rains. Gavin does not like it when it rains; Niles knows this. He doesn’t say it, but Niles can read it in the way his shoulders hunch, and the way his mouth pinches shut around the corners. It is dry inside the cave, but the chill of the rain pervades the space, causing Gavin to retreat back into their bed and pull the furs up around his shoulders, gray eyes glaring out at the steady drizzle of water outside. Niles pads over and joins him, and it barely takes any prompting before Gavin’s head is firmly planted in his lap. Niles smiles softly as he threads his fingers through Gavin’s soft hair, enjoying the way the strands feel. Some days, when the rain is really pouring down, Niles lays down next to Gavin as the elk. He’s warmer then, and he knows that his heartbeat is easier to hear. Gavin needs the reminder, to breathe slowly in and out with the slow thump  _ thump, thump _ of Niles’ massive heart.Today, it’s enough that he’s here, and his hands are on Gavin’s scalp, slowly massaging away the worries he can feel gathering there. 

 

“You should tell me a story.” Gavin’s voice cuts through the quiet of Niles’ thoughts, and he raises one eyebrow in surprise. “I mean, I like listening to your voice, ya know, and I went through all the trouble of getting it back and all….” He continues to mumble, trailing off as the embarrassment gets the better of him. It often does, Niles thinks, which is a shame. Gavin is very sweet when he does not let his embarrassment stop him from speaking. Niles simply chuckles and replies, “Gavin, you don’t have to barter for a story. I was never the kind of god to demand payment for words”

 

Gavin lifts his head slightly at that, turning so he can stare up at Niles curiously. “What kind of god  _ were _ you? You never talk about that shit,” he says, eyes tracing the now-familiar curve of Niles’ antlers as they climb up into the space above the two of them. Niles tilts his head to watch Gavin’s eyes follow his movement, and smiles softly. He supposes this would not be the worst story to tell. It is  _ his _ , after all. There can be consequences for telling stories that do not belong to you, and invoking names that are not yours. “Maybe it’s because you never asked nicely,” he teases, and Gavin rolls his eyes and purses his lips in a pout. “Come oooon Niles, do I really gotta say it?” he complains, and Niles laughs in reply, smoothing his thumb over the man’s cheekbone softly.

 

“I began in the forest,” Niles begins, his voice low and soft as it mingles with the sound of the rain falling outside, “when the forests were many, and spread across the land further than man or beast could walk. I woke with the trees, and I spent my days among them as they grew - up, up, up, until the sun could no longer pierce through to reach the forest floor.” He misses the darkness sometimes, especially on days when the sun beats down and the delicate moss growing along the sides of streams begins to wither. Seeing the way the sunlight catches in the glitter of the water is pleasurable, still, as is the way that Gavin’s hair shines slightly auburn in the right light. It would be a dull brown beneath the closed canopy of the forest. “I was a god even then, but I do not think the trees appreciated it,” Niles adds, because he can feel the question about to drop from Gavin’s parted lips. “I had no followers or shrines, but my power comes from the forest itself.”

 

Gavin is silent then, before he says, “Weren’t you lonely though? Without any followers or whatever? Just wandering aimlessly through the forest?” Niles shakes his head without any hesitation, finding it difficult to vocalize that the concept of loneliness is one that does not touch his kind. “It is hard to be lonely when you are surrounded by the forest,” he explains slowly, choosing each word as carefully as he can, reaching up to delicately pat at his antlers and add,  “The trees and moss and forest growths are as much a part of me as these are - a constant companion.” Gavin looks away for a moment, muttering under his breath something about his boyfriend being a damn treehugger. ‘I was lonely, before I met you,’ his eyes seem to say, and Niles is not sure what he could say in reply. He runs a finger down the pulse point on Gavin’s neck, feeling the way his blood pumps faster under the weight of his miserable thoughts.

 

“I had siblings,” Niles offers as a sign of peace - an excuse to move forward past this issue neither of them wants to speak about. “That is to say, I  _ have _ siblings. I simply haven’t seen them since that time.” Gavin’s expression doesn’t brighten with interest the way he had hoped - instead he seems to shrink further in on himself, his gaze flicking away as if trying to avoid being seen. Niles pushes forward, stubbornly, not letting Gavin escape into his own thoughts. “I had many brothers, all of them from the forest, or from the shadows of caves, or the bloom of flowers in the tall grass. They were like me, and yet different in form and thought of mind.” He brushes a strand of Gavin’s hair back from his forehead and can’t help but chuckle as he thinks of doing the same to one of his brothers - a stray curl always trying to escape and flop into the space above his eyebrows. 

 

“They were named….” Niles hesitates, tries to remember the way the name sounded on the tongues of the first men who had worshipped. “They were named Connor. The Hound.” That catches Gavin’s interest, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he looks up and demands “Come  _ on _ Niles, they can’t all have been named that. It’s not like they’re all one person. God. Whatever.” Niles simply shakes his head, replying “They liked that name. Although they were unique, they looked very similar, so I think their worshippers may have made a simple mistake.” He thinks of the Connor he was closest to, with his dark brown eyes and his sharp smile and his dimples. He wonders dimly what became of him, and then finds that he is not very concerned. Their kind survives, regardless of what form they have to take to do so.

 

Niles’ hands in Gavin’s hair are still stroking, firm touches from the crown of his head down to the close-cropped hairs on the back of his neck. He speaks of the turning of the seasons, and of seeing snow fall onto his palms and not knowing what it was. The joy he felt the first time he stretched his legs in the form of the great black elk - running headlong through the trees and feeling the wind whip through his antlers. He tries to describe to Gavin the joy of looking up into the night sky and seeing the stars wheel above without end, and to look down again and see that same great expanse painted in the dropping of leaves on the forest floor. It does not take Gavin long to fall asleep, his body relaxing as the stress of his mind leaves it. Niles is happy, then, to see that his story has helped. He would tell Gavin all the stories of the years before if it would help him escape from the worries of his own head.

 

* * *

 

At night, when the woods are dark and full of the rustle of creatures scurrying to and fro, Niles sits with Gavin in the center of the cave and cooks over the fire. Although Niles eats only vegetation, he is no stranger to the ways that humans cook meat, and Gavin is learning quickly. He barely burns his fingers any more, which, although amusing for Niles, had always ended in long pouting sessions. Every skill Niles has introduced to him, Gavin has learned very quickly despite his lack of confidence. Niles is proud as he watches the man across from him cut up the rabbit they caught and dump it into a bowl with mushrooms and as many fresh leaves as Niles can coerce him into adding. The fight over fresh greens is a bitter war, but Niles is determined to see it through. 

 

“Hey, so you never finished telling me that story from before,” Gavin says, mouth half full of rabbit as he shoots Niles an accusatory glare across the fire. “You spent the whole time talkin’ about trees and never got to the good stuff.” He gestures with his fork up at the murals that trail around the roof of the cave, intricate designs in red and black clay paint made by long dead worshippers.

 

“Maybe if someone hadn’t fallen asleep they would have heard the rest of the story,” Niles teases in return, picking up a leaf and innocently sticking it in his mouth with a crunch. “It’s a shame, there were some really interesting parts you missed out on.”

 

Gavin snorts, swallowing the rabbit to retort, “No way did you tell any cool stories while I was asleep, you’d want an audience for that shit.” Niles can’t help but grin at how easily he was called out. It’s true, he doesn’t often speak if Gavin isn’t present to hear him. Why would he, when he spent so many years in silence with no issue? Leaning back, he eats a few more leaves while his eyes trace over the murals, taking in the visual representation of his past. They were pleasant to look at, he supposed, but you had to have been there to really understand them. After all, they hadn’t been intended for anyone’s eyes but his.

 

Feeling Gavin’s gaze on him, Niles begins to speak again. “When men first came to the forest, they were afraid of it. They were afraid of me,” he explains, gesturing to the hulking form of the black elk rendered out on the walls above them. “They were afraid of everything they could not comprehend or tame. And the forest is ever wild and changing.”

 

‘As am I,’ he does not add, but the comparison lingers in the air nonetheless. “They did not worship me until there was a larger threat,” Niles says. “For men, the threat of violence from others is above all their most pressing danger. They called on the forest to protect them, and I would not see their blood spilled needlessly on its floor.”

 

Gavin is looking at him curiously, like he doesn’t quite believe what he’s saying, but the curiosity is winning out over the skepticism. He’s finished with his meal, and has scooted around the fire slightly to be closer to Niles. “What do you mean? If you tell me you gored some dudes on your antlers or something I’m calling bullshit,” he says with half a grin on his lips. Niles matches the smile in full, shaking his head and replying, “It’s much harder to gore someone than you’d think. But I did become a god of war, and of bloodshed. The forest shares my will, and it is difficult to mount an offensive when the land itself is against you.” 

 

Niles can feel his shadow on the wall of the cave behind him growing and pulsing as his mind sinks back into the memories of those times. The clash of steel on steel, sparks flying up as blood spattered down onto the ground…

 

The fire crackles and pops in a poor imitation of the sound of hooves on dry branches. He was strong, then. Stronger than all of them, and they had broken upon his stronghold like rain on the stones of the forest floor. A warm hand lands on his knee, and Niles is back in the cave, looking down at Gavin’s fingers squeezing gently against his skin. Looking into his face, Gavin is concerned, but not frightened. Never frightened, not any more. Not when every touch they’ve shared has been gentle.

 

Niles lays his hand over Gavin’s and the air of the cave quiets down, shadows returning to their proper shape and size. “What changed?” he asks, and his voice is quiet. He knows they are long dead and gone, as are the shrines they built to call down the wrath of their god. Niles twines his fingers with Gavin’s and replies, “There was little left for them here when the fighting was finished. They never returned.” He remembers returning to the place of worship and finding it empty, the hollow stillness settling into his bones. He shakes his head slightly, adding with an air of finality, “I returned to the forest, where I belong.” Gavin squeezes his hand and leans in to press a soft kiss to his shoulder, murmuring, “I’m glad.”

 

* * *

 

On days when they have to venture further into the forest in search of food and supplies, Niles lets Gavin ride on his back as the massive black elk. There had been a humorous first few tries to get Gavin up on his back, but by now he is practically an expert. There is a stump near the entrance of the cave that he can use to clamber up so that Niles doesn’t have to sink down onto his knees, and he has even stopped clinging so tightly that Niles is worried his fur might get ripped out. Now, Gavin can sit fairly upright as Niles trots his way around trees and rocks, taking in the scenery with a pleased grin. He lets out the occasional call of ‘Branch’! if he thinks Niles is going to accidentally run him into a low-hanging tree, but otherwise their journey is made in pleasant silence.

 

Once they reach the grove Niles decided on the night before, he stands patiently while Gavin slides off his back, patting his shoulder once both feet are on the ground. “That wasn’t so bad this time,” he comments with a proud little smirk, and Niles can’t help but lean down and lick a long broad stripe up the center of Gavin’s hair. “Ew! Gross! Slimy bastard!” he protests, pushing at Niles’ snout without any real venom, seeing as he’s laughing hard enough that his shoulders are shaking. Niles personally finds it adorable, especially since there’s a little piece of hair that’s sticking straight up in the back despite Gavin’s attempts at flattening it all back down. His hair has grown out since he first arrived at the cave, and Niles thinks it suits him like this - a little shaggy around the edges and threatening to flop down into his eyes at any moment.

 

“Come on asshole, change back,” Gavin complains in a chuckle, “or I’m gonna throw your pants into a river or something.”

 

The elk snorts, but in the next moment it’s Niles who is standing in front of Gavin, teasing, “Like that would be a punishment for either of us. You’re the one who insisted on pants for gathering mushrooms in the first place” The change from elk to humanoid form is one that doesn’t really account for human clothing, so either Niles has to walk around naked or he has to make sure there are clothes waiting for him in the cave. His followers had usually chosen robes or other garments for him to wear when he ‘appeared’ to them, but in recent years Niles had mainly forgone human clothing. 

 

Gavin though...Gavin is easily distracted. He can feel the man’s eyes on him now, tracing down his chest to the dip and curve of his hips. A hint of heat curls up in his gut, but Niles ignores it. Now is not the time for that, as tempting as Gavin might be.

 

“Gavin please, pants now, touching later,” Niles prompts softly, tugging at the strap of the bag slung across Gavin’s shoulder. That seems to snap him out of his little reverie, although a flush has already made its way across his cheeks. He rifles through the bag and hands over the well-worn pair of pants, huffing out a few frustrated breaths as he watches Niles dress. “I’m sorry darling, you’ll have to be patient,” Niles murmurs, pulling him close for a kiss once the drawstrings are tied. Gavin relaxes against his lips, one hand sliding up to stroke across the back of his neck and keep them close even once the kiss has ended. “Yeah, I guess gettin’ fucked in the middle of the forest on some mushrooms isn’t the best idea,” he admits with a low chuckle, common sense (for once) winning out over his dick.

 

Niles savors the closeness for a few moments, letting the silence of the forest melt away in favor of the small sounds Gavin makes - the sigh of his breath, the soft rustle of his fingers brushing across Niles’ hair, the wet glide of his tongue darting out to moisten his lips. He is so full of life that sometimes Niles is not sure how to grasp him, worried that at any moment he may melt away. He allows himself another kiss before stepping away, taking Gavin’s hand from his neck and instead enveloping it in his own. “Here, let me show you how to find your favorite mushrooms,” Niles says, tugging him over to the growth of fungus around the base of a nearby tree.

 

Foraging is a skill that Niles is convinced Gavin needs to learn, for his own good and for the sake of them being able to share more of these chores together. Niles likes being able to do things together, instead of Gavin simply trailing around behind him and watching. And as much as he complains about ‘having to do work’ and being ‘fucking useless at all this shit’, Niles can see that Gavin thrives when he is given the time to master a task. He stumbles at first, and immediately throws up a smokescreen of complaints and excuses to hide his embarrassment, but Niles is patient, and kind, and eventually he is able to perform the task correctly. The smile Gavin gives him when he finally  _ gets it _ , oh, that steals Niles’ breath away every time.

 

Niles crouches down next to the tree and begins to point out which mushrooms are Gavin’s favorites, and how he can tell if they’re ready to be harvested. It’s a strange concept for him, that one could look at a plant and  _ not _ know what it is, but he is slow and thorough in his explanation nevertheless. Gavin nods along, his brows furrowed slightly as he concentrates on trying to remember everything Niles is saying, like they won’t do this together anyways. Niles admires the way he tries so hard. “This one though, this one you should never eat.” He points to an innocuous looking mushroom in the grass. “It looks like a tasty mushroom, but it can really hurt you, maybe even kill you.” Gavin frowns for real, staring at the mushroom with an air of mistrust and nervousness. “How am I supposed to tell the difference?” he asks, clearly doubting his own abilities immediately. Niles points out the small differences, picking the mushroom up out of the ground to give Gavin a better view.

 

“And if you’re ever worried, just give them to me.” Niles finishes his explanation by popping the mushroom into his mouth with a satisfied munch. Gavin, expectedly, panics, lunging forward to try and pry his jaw open like he’s going to pull the offending mushroom out before it can be swallowed. “Niles, please, come on,” he pleads, hands grasping and clinging to Niles’ as panic sets into his voice, “Don’t do this to me--” Niles takes pity on him, bringing his hands up to his lips to kiss at the knuckles soothingly.

 

“Gav, breathe,” he says softly, “I can’t die, not like this. This won’t even hurt me, it’s just another part of me.” He hadn’t expected such a violent reaction to his little joke, but now he feels guilty, feeling Gavin’s hands tremble against his lips. “Shhh...shh…” he hushes the other man, wrapping his arms around him and letting Gavin rest his head on his chest, “I’m sorry, it was a stupid trick…”

 

Gavin calms down faster than he would have, say, when he first arrived at the cave. He’s gotten better at breathing, at listening to Niles’ heart to calm himself down. It isn’t too long before he’s lifting his head to glare at Niles, pounding a weak fist into his chest as he demands, “What the actual fuck?!” Niles feels terrible, and he knows it’s written on his face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think….” he starts, then tries again “It was cruel of me to trick you like that, I’m sorry. I can’t be poisoned, Gav, I’m a god, remember?” Some of the tension bleeds out of Gavin’s shoulders as he remembers that fact, some of the hurt on his face transforming into anger and embarrassment at himself for being so stupid. He always manages to turn anything that happens against himself. The pit of guilt in Niles’ stomach gets heavier.

 

Niles’ hands are stroking slowly up and down Gavin’s back as he recovers, and eventually he speaks again, asking, “How do you even find out you can’t be poisoned? That’s fucked up, Niles…” Niles is not sure why that would concern Gavin so much, but he supposes that humans have always been disturbed by the prospect of death. They are so easily swept away by it, after all. “A sect of followers once tried to dispose of me in that way,” he explains. “They thought me a false prophet, and fouled the offerings left at the shrine. By the looks on their faces when I returned the next morning it was...obvious what they had intended.”

 

Gavin frowns, and asks hesitantly, “And then what? What did you do?”

 

“Absolutely nothing,” Niles replies with a shrug. “Does a tree retaliate against the man who chops it down? No, it simply grows its shoots from what remains of the stump and continues on.” It had been almost amusing to watch those men whimper and cower in fear of retaliation, only to realize there was none coming. Gavin is watching him carefully now as he smiles softly, thinking back to those times. Niles still isn’t sure if he’s forgiven, until that wry half-smile twists its way across Gavin’s face as he says, “Hey, so this means all those times you complained about me letting the greens get rotten was all bullshit! You could totally eat moldy leaves and be fine!” Niles laughs, the sound light and echoing through the clearing. The weight of guilt lifts slightly, and he knows Gavin will let him make it up to him later. For now, he reaches out and ruffles Gavin’s hair fondly, chuckling, “You’ve caught me out, guess you’ll have to deal with mold breath from now on.” 

 

Gavin is still complaining by the time Niles has to change back into the elk, and he playfully nudges him over onto his ass as punishment. It’s hard to fight back when your adversary weighs about three times as much as you do, and has four legs instead of two. But Gavin gives it a valiant effort, ending up with his arms wrapped possessively around Niles’ neck and his face buried in the soft fur as he laughs, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes from the laughter. “Let’s go home before I drop these mushrooms and waste all our time,” he finally says, fingers cleverly scratching behind one large ear in just the right spot to make Niles’ back foot twitch deliciously. As he trots back through the forest, Niles considers the fact that Gavin’s weight on his back feels more natural than any ceremonial saddle or robe ever did.

 

* * *

 

It’s a sunny day, and Niles has brought them both to a part of the forest that’s more meadow than anything else - perfect for gathering certain herbs. He has learned the ways of human medicine from the many wise men and women who had worshipped him over the years. It was not often that his followers were the ones to educate him, but Niles had never bothered to think of the ways his plants could be cut and combined to form medicine. He had found it a fascinating enough skill to keep practicing throughout the years, and now with Gavin living in the cave it has become practical again. 

 

Gavin has wandered off to do some exploration on his own, and Niles is happy he feels confident enough to do so more often. He enjoys having Gavin at his side, but he is just as happy to see him flourishing into a more independent person. They are making such good progress, Niles thinks to himself as he plucks a few more wild herbs to add to his collection, and he would very much like to continue along the same trajectory. The Gavin who had arrived in his cave was charming and lovable and kind, but had difficulty believing any of those things about himself. He was also scared, and sad, probably as an effect of the loneliness of years of isolation. Gavin is still many of those things, and Niles does not care for him any less because of it, but Gavin believes and accepts the kindness given to him now more often than not. That is progress Niles can be proud of.

 

Niles is not sure how much time has passed, but his satchel is becoming full when the rustle of grass alerts him to Gavin’s approach. He doesn’t turn his head, but his ears flick back to make sure he isn’t startled when a warm weight blankets itself across his back. “Done exploring, dear?” Niles asks with a smile, feeling Gavin’s cheek pressing against the back of his head. He gets a confirmatory hum, and then Gavin says “I brought you something.” He sounds pleased with himself, but a little embarrassed already. That means it is going to be a very sweet present. 

 

“Can I turn around and see it?” Niles asks with a smile, turning his head slightly but not all the way for fear of unsettling Gavin from his comfortable position. There’s a deep sigh, and the weight is lifted as he mutters, “I mean, I  _ guess _ you can turn around and see it. I did waste like….probably an hour or something on it.” 

 

Niles turns to look, and there in Gavin’s hands is an intricately woven crown of wildflowers. They’ve been picked with still-long stems and twisted together with quite a bit of patience, and then smaller flowers were stuck in to fill the gaps. He’s taken the rope-making skills to heart, Niles thinks proudly, and says out loud in genuine delight, “Oh Gavin, this is beautiful. You’ve done such a gorgeous job.” Gavin flushes a bit, but the half grin that twists across his lips is proud and pleased. “You know it’s my job to keep you looking pretty,” he teases, and Niles has to admit that he has made that his occupation since that first night when he decorated his antlers in brightly colored string. 

 

“Will you crown me then?” Niles asks, smiling up at Gavin from where’s he’s kneeling on the ground, and he lowers his head slightly, offering it up. “Of course, babe,” Gavin chuckles, “you just keep still, I gotta get it on around your antlers.” Niles dutifully sits still and watches as Gavin carefully undoes one side of the flower chain in order to string the crown around his antlers, fingers brushing through his hair as he fixes it back up. Niles doesn’t realize his eyes have slipped closed in relaxation until there’s a finger bopping him on the nose to bring him back to the present.

 

“All fixed,” Gavin announces with a soft little smile. “Welcome back, beautiful.” Niles feels a rush of emotion through his chest, warming him in a way the sun altogether fails to do. “Am I pretty now?” he asks instead of saying anything that might frighten Gavin away.

 

“Always,” comes the answer, and Niles can’t help but pull Gavin in for a kiss for that. Gavin helpfully sinks down to his knees so that they’re more level, his eyes slipping shut as he leans into the kiss. Niles lets himself luxuriate in the feeling of Gavin’s slightly chapped lips moving against his, the rasp of stubble against his chin a pleasurable addition. When they part for air he murmurs, “My followers used to wear these, you know. In the springtime, when they worshipped.” He can see them now, the bright young men and women with flowers in their hair, laughing as they danced and sang. “What for?” Gavin asks curiously, not pulling away and instead bringing his hands up to run through the dark strands peeking out between bright flowers. “It was part of their ritual, to invite blessings and fertility for the start of the year,” he explains, “celebrating the new growth of the world after winter.” 

 

Gavin lets out a snort of laughter at that, a sly smile spreading over his face. “Fertility, huh?” he teases, one eyebrow wiggling comically high on his face. “Mmm, yeah babe, I bet you were a real good fertility god.”

 

Niles huffs in exasperation, insisting, “Gavin, you have such a one track mind! It was about crops and plants, not fucking.” Well, mostly, but he’s not about to give Gavin the pleasure of admitting that.

 

“Aw, well they were missing out then,” the man insists, sliding happily onto Niles’ lap and wrapping his arms loosely around his neck. “I’d worship you like a fertility god any day.” Niles has to laugh then, Gavin’s good mood almost contagious. He presses sloppy kisses along the line of Gavin’s cheekbones and down to the corners of his mouth, teasing in return, “I don’t usually accept such mischievous followers.” Gavin’s only response is to pull him in by the back of the neck for an open-mouthed kiss, breathing dedications into the space where their bodies meet. 

 

The crown of flowers is slightly more rumpled by the time they gather up to return to the cave, but Niles insists on bringing it nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

Gavin is a hot line above him, all lean muscle and sweat-damp skin. Niles’ mouth is dry as he watches him move, lips parted to draw in more air. He’s beautiful, Niles thinks, beautiful and strong.

 

The cave is filled with the sound of harsh breaths and moans, Gavin having long abandoned his attempts at staying quiet. The rhythmic jingle of metal chains against his antlers filters into Niles’ ear as well, the swish of tiny gems as they dance in their suspended prisons.

 

Gavin’s movements are beginning to gain a frantic quality, his thighs quivering from the sustained effort. Niles reaches up and grips at his hips, hard enough to bruise, and pulls Gavin down in a short, sharp motion. It draws a gorgeous cry from Gavin, so he does it again.

 

Niles watches with sharp eyes as Gavin tenses and shakes above him, holding on through gritted teeth just to see the slack-jawed relief on the face above him. When his own orgasm hits, his hips jerk up and he dimly hears the over-stimulated whine from Gavin before everything fades for a few brief moments. 

 

Niles blinks his eyes open slowly, and finds himself blanketed by Gavin’s warm body. He’s still breathing hard, and Niles can feel the way his heart is pumping against the skin of both their chests. Frantic, like a bird trapped in a cage, but slowing now. He musters up the energy to wrap his arms around Gavin, hands smoothing down the lines of his shoulder blades and his spine. He takes in all of the human inconsistencies - the rough feeling of scars that never healed right, the irregular bump of each bone that broke and patched itself back together. Niles can read Gavin like a history book, see all of the places his body has been. It is unfair, he supposes, that this does not go both ways.

 

Gavin is coming back to himself and nuzzling his face against Niles’ collarbones. He is so soft and affectionate in these moments, all of the tension and indecision fucked out of him. Lifting his head, there are grey eyes gazing lazily up at Niles as Gavin murmurs, “You’re so damn pretty…”

 

Niles feels the smile spread across his lips, tugging at the corners and turning them up into an expression he’s sure is far too fond. “You just look way too good with this stuff on” Gavin continues, gesturing up at the intricate web of jewelry strung across his antlers. “It’s not fair. Enough to make a man weak in the knees” 

 

Nines chuckles and smoothes some of the damp hair off of Gavin’s forehead. “It’s a good thing you’re lying here with me then, isn’t it?” he says, turning his head in what he knows is a vain show. It earns him a soft purr of contentment from the man in his arms, so he considers it a worthwhile endeavor. The gleam of the fire is catching in some of the rubies and casting red flickers on the walls of the cave that surround their bed. “What were these for, anyways?” Gavin asks, idly lifting a hand and flicking at one of the little silver baubles hanging on a chain. It makes a tinny chiming sound, like a bell whose tongue has been somehow stilled.

 

“Some were just offerings, pretty trinkets to please a god,” Niles says with a shrug, “but many of the pieces you’ve chosen were meant as an intricate set to drape down from my neck and onto my chest.” There had been a matching set, once, for his elk form. Chains draping down from a ceremonial bridle of sorts, all decorated in bells. Niles hadn’t cared for that one. He had left it to rust in some forgotten glade, happy to dissuade his followers from the notion that he was to be tamed. “Wait, seriously?” Gavin asks, eyes lighting up, “Babe that sounds super hot, we gotta try that out next time!” Normally Niles would reprimand him for only thinking with his dick, but, well, he can’t exactly talk right now. 

 

“I will try and remember the correct ways to connect them,” he says instead, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to Gavin’s forehead. “Fuck yeah…” comes the mumbled reply, Gavin letting his head fall back down onto his chest with a satisfied sigh.

 

A few moments pass in silence as Niles enjoys the feeling of Gavin’s skin against his own, but he cannot stomach the feeling of the stickiness between them drying for too much longer. “Alright, up you get” he says softly, gently pushing at Gavin’s shoulders to get him to sit up and slide off. He does so with only a minimum of low whining and cursing, fingers clinging to Niles for as long as he can. But Gavin learned early on that Niles was not to be resisted when he wanted to get them both clean, so he sits, cross-legged and sleepy, and watches as soft, damp cloths are fetched.

 

Niles cleans himself first, in quick, efficient strokes that wipe away the drying cum and sweat plastered across his chest and hips. Then he returns to the bed, settling in comfortably in front of Gavin to clean him off as well. This has become one of his favorite rituals, gently cleaning off the remains of the session from Gavin’s skin. The first time it had been a courtesy, Niles had just thought it polite to offer. But Gavin had been so touched, so taken aback by the concept of aftercare that Niles hadn’t been able to stop himself the next time. Nor the next. Gavin relaxes into the feeling now, less skittish but still so pleased it makes the breath catch in Niles’ throat.

 

“Who gave you these, anyways?” Gavin asks, voice made slower by the sleep that’s creeping up on him. “They don’t seem like they fit with the flower people, and they’re not old enough to be from those dudes that were always fighting.”

 

Niles is touched that Gavin has been paying attention enough to make those kind of deductions. He is sharp, despite his own protestations (they are not his, Niles thinks, they are someone else’s words that have wormed into his heart and drip off his lips). Niles nods his head, enjoying the soft sway of the jewelry against his ears. “You’re right, Gav, they aren’t from either of those groups. These are from my final followers. They were concerned with prosperity, and hoped that the more they shared with me the more I would grant them,” he explains, cloth dipping into the harsh v-cut of Gavin’s hips, rubbing away the gathered filth. Gavin frowns, clearly surprised to hear that. “Your final followers? What do you mean?” Niles simply chuckles and glances up at him. “Did you seriously still think I was worshipped? No one believes in the old gods any more. They’ve long moved on.”

 

There’s something dangerously off in Gavin’s eyes, so he turns them up and away to look at the web of offerings instead. “I dunno, isn’t that kinda….sad? I know you don’t need to be worshipped to be strong or whatever, but still. Fuck, I mean I guess you hadn’t talked in so long you couldn’t do it anymore…” he puzzles it out to himself, voice sinking lower still as he reaches the inevitable conclusion.“Niles, how long have you been alone out here?”

 

Niles has to think about that one, his own brows furrowing as he pauses in his ministrations. How long  _ had _ it been? Time was difficult to pinpoint here in the forest, it always had been. “Several hundred years,” he settles on, “at least. I apologize, I haven’t kept a very good calendar.”

 

His attempt at humor falls flat as Gavin’s face scrunches up further. He opens his mouth, then shuts it again, words that will never reach Niles’ ears being swallowed down into his throat . “Sorry, I forgot you don’t get lonely,” he mutters, and Niles can feel the bitterness like the cut of a knife. The silence that stretches out between them is loaded, and Niles hates it. He hates how the feeling of Gavin’s fingers untangling the jewelry in his antlers is rushed and clumsy, and how Gavin refuses to look him in the eyes, even as they settle down into bed together. He hates how he doesn’t know what to do to bridge this gap, aside from lie, or speak the truth he’s afraid of. How is he supposed to explain this tightness in his chest to Gavin, who is stiff in his arms even as he fades away into sleep.

 

* * *

 

Niles wakes, later that night, to an empty bed. This is not unusual. Gavin often gets up in the middle of the night to relieve himself, and Niles sometimes goes to stretch his legs out in the forest. It’s only when he hears the soft shuffle of pacing feet at the mouth of the cave that he turns his head to look, spotting Gavin there. He’s put his pants back on, and he’s pacing back and forth slowly, head turned down and arms crossed over his chest.

 

“Come back to bed, darling,” Niles says quietly, extending his arm and sleepily gesturing for Gavin to come crawl back under it. The man at the edge of his sight tenses further at the sound of his voice, hands clenching tight against his own biceps.

 

“Go back to sleep, Niles,” he says, and the tone of his voice is enough to make Niles sit up.

 

“Gavin, what….what’s wrong?” he tries again, shifting in the bed to angle his legs towards the side but not yet standing up. A nightmare, perhaps? Or a spasming muscle? Niles knows he is making up excuses to avoid what he fears. He doesn’t know when he began to fear this, but he feels it now, deep in the pit of his stomach. Gavin’s face is still in shadow, hidden from him by the soft light of the forest evening filtering into the darkness of the cave. The moon is almost full, he thinks dimly, almost at its completion. Is that where we are now, he wonders, at the edge of being complete?

 

“It’s nothing you can fix, anyways,” Gavin says finally, his voice strained and only just loud enough for Niles to catch. “Just….me, as usual. Figuring some shit out.”

 

Niles waits to hear if he will continue before he asks quietly, “What have you figured out?” Gavin’s fingers must be white from the way he has them clenched, blunt nails no doubt digging painfully into his own skin. The silence blankets them again as Gavin decides how to word his truth, feet carrying him anxiously to and fro aimlessly. Just like the first time Niles had seen him, all that time ago in the forest.

 

“I’m not….I don’t matter. Not really.” the words fall out of his mouth like stones that have been weighing him down for weeks. “I’ll come and go, just like all the others. And you won’t even  _ care _ when I’m gone.” 

 

Gavin’s voice breaks halfway through his sentence, and Niles feels as if he has been laid low in ways that he has not dared to imagine before. “I don’t know why I bothered tricking myself into thinking otherwise, it’s just, I was, it was stupid--” he’s starting to babble now, the way he does when he panics, and Niles is on his feet faster than he thought possible.

 

He’s halfway to sweeping Gavin up in his arms when the other man cringes away. “ _ Don’t, _ ” Gavin gasps, “don’t, I can’t, I can’t stand it anymore.” One hand has freed itself from his arm and is trembling as he tugs at his own hair, trying to ground himself. “I can’t stand the way you look at me, like I’m something worthwhile, like you actually care about me, when we both know you can’t--”

 

There are tears welling up in Gavin’s eyes, Niles can see them gathering the shine from the moonlight. The pain in his own chest is welling up as well and clawing at his throat, but Niles has never wept before. He doesn’t know if he can. The rushing in his ears is almost blocking out the tumble of words spilling out of Gavin. “--you can just stay here all alone for hundreds of fucking years and not even bat an eyelash, and I had  _ nothing _ , I didn’t have anything until I met you, Niles, and you can’t even  _ pretend  _ to care!”

 

He’s crying now, from fear or anger or sadness, Niles can’t tell, “I’m right, I’ve always been right, I don’t fucking matter.” Gavin curls in on himself, hunching down to clutch at his knees, hand furiously trying to scrub away the tears dripping down his cheeks.

 

Niles is frozen above him, looking down and seeing this scene playing out before him throughout the years. Men and women have wept at his feet, have begged, have screamed, have died. He has never moved before. How could he hope to comfort someone whose very existence was so fleeting? And yet now he feels himself sliding onto his knees, hitting the floor of the cave with a dull thud. The truth is waiting on his tongue, but he has to open his mouth to set it free.

 

“Gavin,” he says softly, wanting to reach out and touch the shoulders that are shaking with the force of his sobs, “Gavin, I would be lonely, if you were to leave me. I do not think I could bear it, now, to be alone again.” 

 

The noise pulled out of Gavin sounds like he is in pain, and Niles supposes they both are. “Don’t you  _ dare _ lie to me!” he spits, the anger trying to surface even through all his tears. “Fuck you!”

 

Niles begins to plead, voice quiet, “Please, Gavin, look at me. I have never lied to you. I have never told you less than the truth, even when it would have been kinder.  _ Please _ , look at me Gavin.” He needs Gavin to see him now, moonlight spilling onto his face as he struggles to keep in the revelation he’s been looking for. He doesn’t know if it will hurt more now than heal. Grey eyes slowly rise from behind Gavin’s arms, red and watery and full of mistrust. But he’s watching, he’s giving Niles a chance. “I don’t know how...to explain how I feel, how special you are to me,” Niles says, and it feels as if he treading across a lake of ice, where each word is a crack in the surface beneath him. Will it hold? 

 

“How the fuck am I special?” Gavin mutters, voice thick with tears, “I’m a pathetic excuse for a human being, a waste of space. Always have been.” Niles can only shake his head and finally speak out into the cool night air the words, “Gavin, I love you. I cannot give you more of a reason for why I would miss you, any more than I can give you a reason that I was not lonely before I met you.” He is shivering now, not from cold (never from cold), but from the fear of hearing himself speak those words aloud. Niles watches Gavin’s eyes widen, hears his breath catch uncomfortably in his chest before the tears start up again in earnest. Niles isn’t sure what to do, and he feels a surge of unfamiliar helplessness that makes him tremble further.

 

But as Gavin continues to sob, he stretches his hand out, holding it out for Niles to grab hold of. He grasps it in both of his own hands, feeling the way they are trembling together, both afraid of what they are becoming. “I love you, Gavin,” he says again, and his voice is full of honesty, “I love you so much, you cannot know what you have done to me.” Niles presses soft kisses against each knuckle as he whispers those words over and over again, hoping that if he puts them into the air enough times then Gavin will be able to finally hear them for what they are - the truth. 

 

Eventually the crying stops, and Gavin is simply a sniffling mess, trying to get his breathing to even out. He looks over at Niles then, eyes still wide and scared, and breathes out, “You’re not lying,” like it’s a question he’s afraid to ask.

 

“Never” Niles replies, and he holds out one free hand as an invitation, “I will never lie to you.”

 

Gavin hesitates for barely a moment before he is pressed up against Niles’ chest, arms folded awkwardly between them so that he can continue to cling to Niles’ hand like an anchor. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I’m so sorry, for all of this. For not being able to say it back...” Niles doesn’t know how to explain why that doesn’t matter, but he decides to speak anyways.

 

“I will wait here with you,” he says, looking down to meet Gavin’s eyes, “and make sure you are never lonely again.”

 

The ‘thank you’ that Gavin whispers against his skin is answer enough that he has been understood. 

  
  
  


* * *

Epilogue:

 

In the morning, Niles wakes to find Gavin still curled tightly up against him, as if he could disappear at any moment. He wakes slowly, eyes blinking open blearily. Niles can still see the traces of last night’s tears clinging to his skin, and he brushes gently at the tracks with his thumb. “Good morning, darling,” Niles says softly, and Gavin shivers at the touch and the sound of his voice. His eyes shift away, like he can’t bear to meet Niles’ gaze just yet. “Sorry….” he mutters, and Niles hates the fact that this is the first word out of his mouth. There are so many sweeter words he wishes to hear in that voice.

 

“There is nothing to be sorry for” he insists, then after a pause he adds “The way you feel emotions so strongly is one of the things I love about you.”

 

Gavin flushes immediately, burying his head further into Niles’ chest. “Oh my god…” he whines, “You can’t be serious, Niles, I was bawling like some kind of little kid last night. It was gross.”

 

Niles simply laughs and begins to press soft kisses to every piece of Gavin he can reach, starting at the top of his head and trailing down to his forehead and the tip of his ear peeking up out of his hair. “You cannot convince me to love you any less,” he says with a smile as he pulls away to give Gavin a moment to recover, and he’s rewarded when that fluffy mop of hair lifts up and he can see the way Gavin’s cheeks are bright red. 

 

“You’re too much,” Gavin protests weakly, but he makes no attempt to resist when Niles leans down to capture his lips in a gentle kiss. “I don’t think I’ve done enough, honestly,” Niles counters as they pull apart. “I was afraid, before, to tell you just how much I love every part of you.”

 

Gavin attempts to turn away again at the force of the emotion, instinctively curling into himself, but Niles catches him gently by the chin and forces him to stay. He presses his lips against the scar that runs across Gavin’s nose, the one that reminds him so fondly of their first proper meeting. His skin is warm from the embarrassment, but Niles continues despite his muted protests, leaving soft kisses all over Gavin’s face and trailing down his neck.

 

“Niiiiiles, c’mon,” Gavin tries again to free himself from the onslaught of affection, but his resolve is clearly weakening. His mouth is turning up at the corners, and some of the despair and embarrassment is bleeding out of his voice.

 

“Never,” Niles replies, turning them over so he can hover over Gavin and continue his worshipful trail across Gavin’s skin. “You’re too beautiful, Gav. And I know you believe me when I tell you that about your body.” The flush travels further, down from Gavin’s face onto his neck, as he squirms and eventually relaxes against Niles’ persistence. Niles is keeping his kisses chaste, but when he senses that Gavin is suitably relaxed he takes his opportunity to strike and...

 

Blows a very dignified raspberry onto his side, right where he knows Gavin is ticklish. Gavin lets out a squeal of laughter, whole body convulsing as he tries to escape the sensation. Niles is brutal in the face of all resistance, continuing to poke and tickle at every sensitive spot until all of the tension has bled out of the other man, and he’s reduced to a helpless mess of half giggles and gasping breath.

 

“Niles, please, babe,” he laughs, “I surrender, please c’mere.” Gavin grabs weakly at Niles’ antlers and pulls himself up for a sloppy kiss that’s full of happiness. “Thank you...For everything,” he murmurs, holding Niles in place so that their foreheads are pressed together. 

 

Niles smiles down at him, pleased to finally hear some sweeter words in his favorite voice. “For you? Anything,” he replies.

**Author's Note:**

> I really just need to make a sign that says "fight me dabid caje" so I can just insert that image at the end of all my fics.


End file.
